When there are no words

I don't want to write this post-I don't want to write anything. But I know that I need to. I just want to completely forget the month of January, and I try not to think about it. It is just so surreal-the reality in our family is just so surreal. On January 27th I lost my Dad to a lung disease called Pulmonary Fibrosis. He was diagnosed with this about 2 1/2 years ago, and it was out of no where. We have no idea where it came from or why he got it. He suffered from it and it slowly got worse, until last Thanksgiving. In one month he drastically got worse and was barely able to get out of bed. It was unbearable to see him at Christmas, and I knew that he needed a miracle and a new lung fast. It has been very frustrating dealing with doctors and watching my dad get passed around from doctor to doctor, with no decisions or solutions. It took the doctors until January 18th to finally get him on the donor list, and at that point he was in ICU at UCLA. Time was short and we just prayed for a miracle. Marci and I were both about to have babies, and I had to get special permission to make the trip to CA. I knew that I needed to be there and I am so glad I went when I did.

The week before my dad passed was an exhausting and emotional one. I have never been on such a roller coaster of emotions. I have never felt as high and excited as I did when we found out that we had a lung donor and that my Dad would be getting the transplant. I have never felt as low as when we found out that his other organs were failing him and that there was no hope. The details of our experience will remain very personal to me. But one blessing that did come out of all of this was how close it brought me and my siblings and my mother. Our family is closer than ever and we have gotten to know each other on every personal level, and for that I am grateful.

My Dad IS an amazing man, and I will forever be grateful for being his daughter. It was amazing to see the lives he touched and influenced at his funeral. He was so talented on so many levels, and was admired by many. But in my opinion, his biggest talent was being an amazing father. I feel so lucky to have the childhood that I did and to grow up in a home where I felt loved no matter what. I had a wonderful example of a loving relationship in my parents.

I feel like my dad left us too soon, and that he was too young, but I have peace in knowing that he is no longer suffering or in pain.

I love you dad and think of you everyday. I miss you terribly and my heart hurts daily. I pray for comfort and peace, and I pray that I can make you proud by being the kind of parent you were and want me to be.